When a Grown Child Commits Suicide

The parents die within

Image by Mabel Amber from Pixabay

You spend years
Sacrifice your own dreams
Sit up nights when he is sick
Make his dreams your dreams
Save up for his future
Measure your happiness with his
Make his sorrows your own

Live for him
Be ready to die for him
Wrap your life around him
Cook for him
Clean for him
Agonize about his future

When he smiles
Your heart lights up
When he is down
Your heart is weighed down as if by a stone
Your life is a sinusoidal curve
Defined by his moods

But you don’t regret any of it
Not for a moment
Because you love him
You created him
He is a gift
And you know he loves you back as much
In his own way

And then one day
You take his breakfast to his room
And you see a shadow
A tall shadow
Hanging from his fan
Your brain refuses to comprehend

You call the other parent
No, scream hysterically
Both of you stand stunned
And then rush to hold his legs
Prop him upwards
Loosen the noose
To see if there is a chance perhaps
That all is not over yet

But all is over
He hangs limp in your hands
Once so full of life
Now just a dead weight
You breakdown
You are angry, upset

You find a note
In his lovely handwriting
A writing style full of maturity
That you always admired
Felt proud of
It simply says he loves you
And that you are not responsible

Who then?
Why? What?
Where did you go wrong
What did you not know?
Did you expect too much from him
Did he buckle under pressure?
You never stop beating yourself up
His note does nothing to help

You will never know
Why he was driven to such desperation
What could have gone so horribly wrong
You examine every moment of every day
And every word uttered

He was fine at dinner last night
He laughed at our jokes
Cracked some of his own
An ordinary family dinner
You analyze and analyze
Recall every word, action, and expression
And still come up empty

All those years of love and care
And dreams of his happy future
You wished only for his happiness
Absolutely nothing in return
And yet, here you stand
Hollowed out
Your insides burned and emptied
Filled only with regret
Where did you go wrong?
You will never know

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